Previews before this movie included an Asian GI JOE Spinoff, Black Queeferwidow, Another Fucking Suicide Squad, Forever Turtlepurdge, The Michael Keaton Protege, and Maaaaatt Daaaaaamon in Stillwater, Minnesota. Absent from this screening was the preview for Maverick, which I saw Tuesday and actually looks like it might be good. I do want to see the Maaaatt Daaamon movie but really am not interested in the others.
So we saw Hitman's Bodygaurd's Wife's Whatever. This is the Melanie's second time this week seeing it, and she thought I would enjoy it. And you know what? I actually did. Sure it's balls to the wall stupid action throughout a ton of beautiful locations in Italy, much like the first film was. It doesn't have much of a pressing plot but it's full of comedy and people getting corpsed left and right. Not to mention a glaring error I caught but Melanie didn't see.
The film stars Ryan 'Deadpool' Reynolds, Samuel 'Mothafuckin' L Jackson, and Selma "Bewbs' Hayek. Not only that, but Antonio "cut off your wiener" Banderes, Morgan "I'm Too Old For This Shit Andy" Freeman, and Frank Grillo, who you've seen before but can't remember where. It follows up the first film that came out in 2017 that we saw but I failed to write a review for. Neither the Melanies or I cared for the first film as it seemed bland and lacked a lot of humor. I remember the first film also being to the point of crude and just blah. This film on the other hand, adds Hayek's character in a predominant role, and she spreads her boobs all over and fucks shit up.
Again, if you can look past the paper thin plot, the film has some pretty cool car chases and CGI explosions. People get killed, cars do neat stunts, Morgan Freeman farts on Ryan Reynolds, Antonio Banderes looks old and still scary, and it's a good romp if you're into that.
Sufficient to say, we both think this is going to get a sequel, even though it's being panned by critics. I don't know, maybe I'm starting to enjoy dumb action movies where i just have to turn my brain off, eat M&Ms, and watch people go uahhhh and blow up. I will say the film has some crude language, and Jags might not approve. It also has some sequences where things happen that totally aren't survivable but people get up and walk away like nothing happened.
I give Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard 3.23 stars out of 5. It could've been better but wasn't exactly terrible either. Much better than the first one.
I'm tired of being Muthafucking Typecast in these Muthafucking action movies. Also this film missed a great opportunity to take a jab at Die Hard 3, that probably wouldn't have landed anyway, but oh well.
Oh come on, you're looking there. It's okay. That's the point.
